I just wanted to say thank you to all my readers for your support and non-judgment of my decision to forgo treatment and just let nature take its course. I’m sure you all understand totally where I’m coming from and why I made the decision I did.
As far as how I’m spending my last couple of years? Well, I just got back from a huge bell ringing event. Admittedly I haven’t been able to ring as much as I otherwise would have and I’m sure not able to do it for as long anymore before I get fatigued, but I plan to ring as much as I can and as my strength will allow. My loss of strength is very noticeable, but I’m still totally independent. When I can no longer be, that will be my time.
I doubt I’ll be writing much here. I have no need to. I’ve said all that needs to be said and need to focus on the things that bring me pleasure as much as possible. Again, I know the pain will come eventually. I still don’t have any real pain to speak of, but do notice that I get winded a lot quicker.
Again, rest assured I am totally at peace. Please don’t be sad for me. I’m not.
This is in regards to my (now confirmed) lung cancer.
After the first biopsy, I was rather disappointed that the test came back negative. I thought I had cheated death again, so needless to say I was incredibly disappointed. I desire nothing more than sweet death. Alas, in the past few weeks I noticed changes in my body that made me wonder if I had a false negative result.
Well, I went on a business trip last week and knew something was very awry when a walk up a hill left me wheezing like an emphysemic. I decided at that point that when I got back to my hometown I was going to see a doctor again. So I made an appointment with the local ER as that’s all I can afford and the doctor who saw me had a quick listen to my lungs and was absolutely shocked at what he heard. He asked if I had any problems and I told him I was suspected of having lung cancer a couple of months ago but that the biopsy came back negative. He pulled up my records and had a look at the x-ray and shook his head and immediately ordered a PET scan.
Today, he called me into his office with the results: it is in fact cancer. Given the extent of the cancer, I have probably around 2 years to live. Of course, I refuse to live long enough for the cancer to completely take over and make me miserable.
So where do I go from here? Well, I’m stuck at my job for another month while I wait for my 60 day probationary period to pass so I don’t have to repay the company for pre-employment screening. From there, I’ve yet to decide if I should continue working there for awhile or go ahead and resign. I haven’t any money to really do much anyway. Regardless, this past year has been one of the best for me so it’s OK either way. My will does need to be updated and I already removed myself from the organ donor list as it goes against my philosophical convictions to “save a life.” From there, I’ll just have to see what happens. I do know I will be ending my life before the pain really sets in though (and it is going to at some point). Of course, I’m doing no treatment.
All I ask is that nobody feels sad for me. I’m not in the least bit sad! Rather, I’m at peace as I write the final pages on the book of my life. It’s a book that’s gone on far too long. Regardless, I will die at peace knowing I stood up for what was right and knowing I did not selfishly continue this hellhole that is life.
The more I live, the more I’m so glad I never subjected any new, non-consenting individuals to the unfortunate state of existence.
So I was recently offered another job without basically even trying. Of course, being downright broke I felt compelled to take it, even though I know I’m going to fucking hate it. Of course, I’ve hated every job I’ve ever had, so why should this one be any different? The notion of loving one’s job is foreign to me, and I’d be willing to bet that everybody on the face of this planet hates their job. Work is something we have to do rather than want to.
Compound this fact with the fact most of us spend most of our waking hours at work and that results in the fact that very little of our time is spent pursuing those things which we derive pleasure from. Now tell me again how exactly pleasure outweighs pain? Oh that’s right, IT FUCKING DOESN’T!!!!!!
This is just another real-world example of Benatar’s second argument in favor of antinatalism, and is further evidence why it is unethical to bring new, non-consenting individuals into the unfortunate state of existence.
If there is a sliver lining to this, well, maybe in a few weeks on this new job (they are paying me quite well) I’ll be able to walk into my local indoor gun range, buy a gun and eat it. Oh that option sounds so lovely right now. I know it’s not 100% guaranteed to work, but a fairly big caliber in the mouth has a 99+% chance of being fatal so at this point in my life that small of a risk is one I’m willing to take.
I stumbled across this today. I feel like this guy could have taken the words right out of my mouth: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Wish-I-Was-Never-Born/393907.
This is the kind of thing I wish people would take into account before engaging in the act of reproduction. Of course, selfish ass breeders don’t give a shit.
Procreation is the supreme act of evil.
When it comes to winning the antinatalism debate (which, if you look at any of them, the antinatalist always wins the debate), I’ve come up with a new strategy to shut down pretty much ever pronatalist argument and use that to further imply why antinatalism is true.
Situational antinatalism is simple and profound enough that pretty much everyone agrees with it. The only ones who I have found reject it are individuals who are suffering from the most severe forms of the most common mental illness on the planet (namely religion). Basically, almost everyone I’ve ever encountered can agree that there are certain life forms that would have been better off being spared existence. Those with extreme mental and/or physical disabilities, animals raised solely for meat or other animal byproducts, among others qualify as such. There’s effectively no argument that these individuals would have been better off being spared existence. I’ve not personally met anyone who will disagree with these (though, most of them in their hypocritical ways continue to consume meat and/or animal byproducts, go figure).
That said, it is very easy to see how situational antinatalism implies general antinatalism. Given the level of uncertainty about what kind of existence awaits a potential individual, it is always best not to procreate. Nobody knows if a new, pre-sentient individual will be one of the many individuals cursed with severe mental/physical handicap. Since it is pretty much universally agreed upon that such individuals would be better off never existing, and given the fact that there is a statistically significant chance that any new individual will be afflicted with such a malady, we see that the risk heavily outweighs any potential benefit.
In short, the element of uncertainty and risk is the nail in the coffin for the pronatalist argument. Note I did not even invoke the Benatarian asymmetry here. While an elegant and watertight argument in favor of antinatalism, it’s practically impossible to convince anyone of the truth value of it. That said, when I argue for antinatalism from this argument, very rarely does the other person walk away not agreeing with me. I’ve even managed to convince my own mother of it, who has since apologized to me for bringing me into existence. No joke. Go figure, one’s own offspring turning his own mother to antinatalism. I never thought I’d see the day.
If only we could all move to Belgium. Suicide is a civil right, period, end of story. As none of us were given any choice as to whether or not to come into this world (and the fact that it would have been better never to have been born), we all have the right to leave if we so choose. I’m glad to see a government somewhere out there honoring this right.
Well, about this time last year I sent off my registration for Dignitas along with a request for assisted suicide. They denied me. Well, now it turns out I might not need to travel halfway across the world for assisted suicide after all.
This is something I haven’t told anyone who knows me IRL about, because I don’t want them interfering with my own bodily autonomy, and as such I will never tell them. Of course, none of you know me IRL, and all only a few of you know my true identity (namely my fellow members of the Facebook group “Living Hell” who have already heard this news and support my decisions), so I trust that you will not leak this information to anyone who knows me IRL.
Anyway, I went to the walk-in clinic a few weeks ago for what I believed to be an upper respiratory infection. Doctor had a listen and just knew something was amiss. Doctor ordered a full-on work-up, including a chest x-ray. Guess what the chest x-ray showed? If you guessed multiple masses you would be correct.
In short, there is probably about a 90% chance that I have lung cancer. I’ve not had a biopsy to confirm or anything of that sort, but that will come soon enough. If it is cancer I won’t get treatment anyway so it’s whatever. The nice thing about this is that given that I have a terminal illness, I now qualify for death with dignity in the United States. I no longer have to go to Switzerland to have my wishes carried out. In that light, I am very grateful that I will soon have an escape.
Though my doctors consider me highly unlucky to have lung cancer (especially since I’m only 28 years old and I don’t have a super long history of smoking) I find myself very fortunate to be in such a situation. If it comes to fruition that I do in fact have probably the deadliest form of cancer in men, it won’t be long until I am relieved from the unfortunate state of existence.
Well, it’s been about six weeks now since my sister had her sprog. Now halfway thru her maternity leave, I think reality has finally set in for her that this ain’t as glamorous as she thought it was going to be. In fact, she downright hates her life at this point.
She came over to try to confide in me but I was having none of it. Seeing as how she put herself in this situation, I don’t feel like I should have one iota of sympathy toward her. She could have had an abortion, been done with it, and all parties win (including her kid who would never have been subject to the unfortunate state of existence). Alas, she didn’t, and as far as I’m concerned she has to live with the consequences of her poor decision.
Anyway, she wanted me to watch her kid for a couple of hours while she went out and did something. My mother is working so obviously she can’t watch him while at work, so she came to me. I told her absolutely not and that I have plans of my own and as such that overrides any responsibility I have for that kid (namely none at all). She then threw a tantrum and was all “well you don’t have kids and I’m sick and tired of being cooped up” waah waah waah. I just told her straight up she should have thought of that before she decided to go through with this. She kept on keeping on and I finally had enough and said, “If you hate it so bad just sign over your rights and be done with it!”
As she and the father are not married, it would be pretty easy for her to sign over her rights and absolve herself from financial or any other responsibility. Of course, that would mean the end of her relationship with the father, but at least she’d be free to be herself again (and hopefully she would consider getting essure or a tubal – I know a few doctors and I could probably pull their strings and work them over and get them to agree to do it for her). Quite frankly if she keeps on keeping on like this she’s going to wind up being a redux of a certain Florida mother whose name I will not mention because it disgusts me to even think of her.**
At any rate, she can do as she pleases, but I still refuse to be sympathetic to her cause. She made her bed, she has to lie in it. Period.
**Whereas existence is harmful for all those who exist, and it would have been better never to have existed, once in existence humans and other animals tend to have an interest in continuing to exist, and that right should not be stripped from them. Of course, should a being wish to end his/her own existence, neither should that right be stripped of him/her.
No, I’m not going to call you and wish you a happy Mother’s Day. I’m not going to send you flowers, chocolates or take you to dinner. I’m not doing any of that for you. Why should I do anything nice for the very person who forced me into the unfortunate state of existence without my prior consent? Why should I celebrate the person that is half responsible for all the pain and suffering I’ve had to endure up to this point (for had I never been born I’d have never had to endure any pain or suffering)?
No, I’m not grateful for you or my own existence. I truly am sorry you didn’t feel the same way about procreation as I do. I’ve been part of this hellhole for nearly three decades now, and that’s been three decades too long.
Fuck you, mom.
Procreation can only be described as the supreme act of evil. Bringing so much as one new sentient being into existence is an action exponentially more evil than the actions of all the serial killers, mass murderers, serial rapists, etc. combined, and that’s if you bring a healthy individual without any genetic or congenital health defects into the world.
However, when you bring a new individual into the world who you KNOW will be permanently disfigured, that takes that evil to a whole new level. Case in point this worthless fuck who forced existence upon a new individual with the EXACT SAME facial deformity as him into the world to have to endure probably worse suffering than him (because females take more offense to those kinds of things than males). Read more about this sick fucker here.
What’s even WORSE is most people are praising his decision. Like WTF? People are so fucking delusional it makes me fucking sick to my stomach. NO, this was NOT a good thing and she will NOT have a (comparatively) good life.
Quit justifying the unjustifiable. This person’s actions were downright evil at BEST. No rational person could ever excuse such a thing, and if you excuse such things you are part of the fucking problem yourself.