An Emotional Roller Coaster…
This is in regards to my (now confirmed) lung cancer.
After the first biopsy, I was rather disappointed that the test came back negative. I thought I had cheated death again, so needless to say I was incredibly disappointed. I desire nothing more than sweet death. Alas, in the past few weeks I noticed changes in my body that made me wonder if I had a false negative result.
Well, I went on a business trip last week and knew something was very awry when a walk up a hill left me wheezing like an emphysemic. I decided at that point that when I got back to my hometown I was going to see a doctor again. So I made an appointment with the local ER as that’s all I can afford and the doctor who saw me had a quick listen to my lungs and was absolutely shocked at what he heard. He asked if I had any problems and I told him I was suspected of having lung cancer a couple of months ago but that the biopsy came back negative. He pulled up my records and had a look at the x-ray and shook his head and immediately ordered a PET scan.
Today, he called me into his office with the results: it is in fact cancer. Given the extent of the cancer, I have probably around 2 years to live. Of course, I refuse to live long enough for the cancer to completely take over and make me miserable.
So where do I go from here? Well, I’m stuck at my job for another month while I wait for my 60 day probationary period to pass so I don’t have to repay the company for pre-employment screening. From there, I’ve yet to decide if I should continue working there for awhile or go ahead and resign. I haven’t any money to really do much anyway. Regardless, this past year has been one of the best for me so it’s OK either way. My will does need to be updated and I already removed myself from the organ donor list as it goes against my philosophical convictions to “save a life.” From there, I’ll just have to see what happens. I do know I will be ending my life before the pain really sets in though (and it is going to at some point). Of course, I’m doing no treatment.
All I ask is that nobody feels sad for me. I’m not in the least bit sad! Rather, I’m at peace as I write the final pages on the book of my life. It’s a book that’s gone on far too long. Regardless, I will die at peace knowing I stood up for what was right and knowing I did not selfishly continue this hellhole that is life.