Category Archives: movies

An Efilist’s Wet Dream

“I feel good, a special kind of horny; flowers and trees depress and frankly bore me.” – Tim Curry, Toxic Love.

One of my favorite movies as a kid was FernGully: The Last Rainforest. It was a 1992 Australian animated flick that was a box office and ratings flop. It had a very strong environmentalist theme and was almost political in nature (though the target audience was too young to understand politics). I’m sure many of you children of the late 80s/early90s remember it. If you don’t remember it, you can read up about it on Wikipedia here.

Well, about three years ago I was inspired to write a fanfiction based on the characters of FernGully. I wrote a rough (read: extremely rough, riddled with poor wording, redundancies and grammatical/punctuation errors) draft and forgot about it. Of course, being an antinatalist/efilist, it had a very strong theme in that regard; sort of an antithesis of the original story line.

Well, not too long ago I was cleaning up the hard drive on one of my old PCs and came across it and so I decided to clean it up. After an all-day affair I managed to polish it up into a rather good short story. Though this isn’t my standard affair on this blog, I’ve decided to share it with you all here as it truly is an efilist’s wet dream (albeit written with a slight Pollyanna tone to soften some of the language). I hope you enjoy it as a momentary escape from the horrible “real world.”


It’s been one million years since Magi Crysta, along with the help of her fairy counterparts and the human being known as Zak, had once again imprisoned Hexxus in the baobab tree that now sits in the center of FernGully. Human beings have been extinct for nearly 500,000 years now, and FernGully has re-grown into the lush, green forest it was long before Hexxus was first released from the center of the earth – full of tall trees, rushing water, and colorful flowers decorating the ground in a thick, multi-colored carpet. Crysta is now married to her long-time boyfriend Pips and they have 100 fairy children together, in addition to countless grandchildren. Life couldn’t be better for the residents of FernGully.

Then, one day, a massive thunderstorm passed over FernGully. It was by far the worst thunderstorm in the history of the forest. It was bursting with rain, pouring down in excess of two inches per hour. Accompanying the rain were wind gusts up to 70 miles per hour and cloud-to-ground lightning strikes almost one right after another. After summoning the fairy inhabitants of the forest, Magi Crysta gently reminded everyone that rain makes things grow and that they have nothing to worry about. She reassured them all that the storm will pass and all will be normal again in the matter of a couple of days.

Sadly, Magi Crysta couldn’t have been more wrong. As the massive thunder cloud approached the center of the forest, a lightning bolt emerged from the cloud and struck the very tree Hexxus had been trapped in one million years ago. The violent lightning strike split the tree right down the center of the trunk. Though he lie there unaware of what had just happened, seconds later a second lightning bolt struck the tree and it was then that Hexxus awoke. He emerged from deep within the base of the tree, taking the form of a big, black cloud full of acid rain and electricity. Determined not to fail a third time in his conquest to completely destroy FernGully, Hexxus set off to find Magi Crysta and her followers to exact his revenge on the fairies that had imprisoned him all those years ago.

Meanwhile, the fairies and creatures of the forest had taken shelter in a nearby cave to ride out the storm. They were completely unaware of what had just happened, but all of a sudden they heard a loud male voice laughing in the distance, followed by repeated thunderclaps and the sounds of trees being shattered one right after the other. It took Magi Crysta a moment to remember the voice, but she eventually recognized it as Hexxus’. She promptly sprung into action and emerged from the cave, making eye contact with Hexxus as he passed directly over it.

“You just thought you were rid of me,” Hexxus taunted as Crysta emerged from the cave. “I’m back and better than ever! Nobody is going to stop me now!”

Grossly overpowered, Crysta retreated to the cave to tell the fairies what had happened and summon reinforcements. Reminding them of the events of one million years ago that led to the release and re-imprisonment of Hexxus, the fairies set out to once again contain the beast hellbent on destroying their homeland.

In an attempt to be devoured by Hexxus in order to trap him from the inside out once again, Crysta picked a seed from a nearby gourd and flew right up to Hexxus’ mouth. However, Hexxus had learned his lesson the last time and refused to open his mouth as Crysta approached his lips. Instead, he slapped her to the ground with such force that a 3 inch crater was carved into the earth below. As the fairies emerged from the cave to tend to their beloved Magi, Hexxus made quick work of them, offing each one of them with a sharp lightning strike that set the ground and the neighboring trees ablaze.

Magi Crysta was now the only fairy left standing. At her ripe old age, she was unfortunately much too weak to take on the mighty Hexxus by herself. In one final, desperate attempt to trap Hexxus, she planted the seed in the ground and attempted to grow it. The geriatric, frail Magi tried her damnedest, but the puny little shrub that emerged was quickly devoured by the flames. It wasn’t even a millisecond later that Crysta was engulfed by the blaze. Though she made a valiant effort to escape, her fragile, tired wings couldn’t lift her into flight and she perished in the fire just as all of her loyal subjects had done so moments earlier. Hexxus was now completely unopposed in his conquest.

As the storm died out, Hexxus sought refuge in the flames and fed off of them, becoming a massive cloud of smoke and fire. He made quick work of the forest and Mount Warning. In just hours he had completely and totally wrecked the entire continent of Australia.

Of course, that wasn’t enough for Hexxus and his insatiable appetite for death and destruction. Changing forms as he fed on the necessary toxins to destroy whatever habitat he had arrived in, Hexxus slowly migrated around the earth, destroying absolutely everything in his path – both land and sea. After a 10 million year conquest, Hexxus had managed to turn the once lush, green planet earth into a desolate wasteland with a shocking resemblance to planet Mars.

Alas, that would prove to be his eventual undoing. In completely wrecking the planet, Hexxus had fallen victim to the very thing that had driven the human race to extinction half a million years ago. Completely unaware of just how limited his resources were, he used them up and gave absolutely no consideration to conserving them for future use. Instead, he burned them up at an unsustainable rate to fuel his thirst for power. As he now had absolutely no poison to feed off of, Hexxus slowly diminished into nothingness, vanishing from existence altogether. Hexxus was officially no more and could no longer threaten any other world anywhere in the universe.


As a little bonus material, here’s the song the opening line of this blog comes from. It’s sure to get everyone horny. I know it does me. It kills me they were even able to get away with a G rating with this song in the movie. It was edited a bit for the movie, but still.